How do you know if you have found the right one? Your soul mate? Sometimes, we just know it, and it works without a hitch; other times we go through a different process—a series of “near-fits” or “almost-matches.” But that’s okay. When this happens, these experiences can help us clarify our “don’t wants,” so we can turn them into “do wants,” and get that much closer to attracting the right person for us the next time around. It also reveals the importance of seeing that someone is the “almost the right one,” instead of “the right one.” This way you can let go of people who you are really not meant to be with in the long run.
But how do you know when someone is the right one? Well, for one thing, they want to see you again. For instance, when a woman goes on a date with a man and it seems to go really well, there even seems to be chemistry, she will expect him to call her to ask her out again. Days go by, then a week, and no word from Romeo. She will make excuses to herself to rationalize why he hasn’t called. Maybe he is really busy at work, or he’s out of town. Another good one is, he said he was moving, so that must be it, he has been so busy packing that he hasn’t had time to call. Or the one that I used to use when I was single, he must have been in an accident and either in a coma or dead, because he said he would call, and if he hasn’t called, it means that he can’t. But guess what? He was never in a coma and he was never dead. If a man doesn’t call you again, he is NOT for you.
Take my friend Lani. Lani is a divorced woman in her late forties. She looks young, is fit, and has a lovely sense of style. She has three children, two of whom have completed college, and one teenager who is a junior in high school. She has a nice home, a good job, and lots of friends. Anyone would think that she has it all, but Lani sees her life as “incomplete” because she is not married. She says she wants to “find someone,” so badly that it’s become the most important goal in her life. Her friends describe this goal as more of a “mission,” saying that Lani calculates pretty much all outings in terms of meeting a man. When girlfriends invite her out, she suggests they go to a particular restaurant known for attracting singles. If she’s invited to a dinner party, she first asks if any “eligible” men will be there. So far, she’s found no one “great” to date. She often says “all the good men are taken.”
As you might guess, Lani is dangerously close to entering the “zone of settling.” Women that want to be in a relationship so badly that it’s an obsession, give out a desperate vibe that is a huge turn-off.
Lani recently went back to dating an old flame who called her up. He is an emotionally aloof man who only calls her when it was convenient for him. Needless to say, she’s not happy in this relationship, but she thinks it’s better to be with someone than to be alone. In addition to missing out on meeting her life partner, the longer Lani stays in a dead-end relationship, the more it chips away at her soul and undermines the idea that she is actually attracting someone wonderful into her life right now.
While Lani bides her time with this man, she continues to keep an eye on the field looking for a better “catch.” In the meantime, she is losing out on valuable time when she could be putting her attention on manifesting a healthy relationship with the right man for her. Lani is wasting time with a mismatched partner because she has convinced herself it’s “better than nothing.” But is it?
Are You Hoping Someone Will Change?
Another reason we stay too long in the wrong relationship is that we hope the person will change. We tell ourselves, “I’ve found the perfect person for me….If only he or she could change this or that, we would be incredible together.” Listen up. You’re headed for a train wreck! You cannot change anyone. It is very important to realize this. It is so tempting to try to do so when we find someone who seems so irresistible. I have heard too many people, especially women, say something like, “He has such potential. I can change him.”
When you try to change people, you invariably hook up with someone who has qualities you really don’t like: disrespectful toward others, doesn’t like animals, swears a lot, smokes, drinks too much, is into porn, loves heavy metal, is allergic to cats, hunts, has been watching Monday night football with the guys for the past fifteen years, or uses his treadmill as a clothes hanger… And if you think you’re magically going to change any of those behaviors, all I can say is, “good luck.”
Here’s a great tip: don’t waste your time attracting potential. Spend your energy attracting the person who is already right to you. Find someone who already has the qualities that you are looking for. It might take a little longer, but think about the alternative. No one wants to be nagged or disapproved of. If you don’t like the qualities that your partner possesses, either accept him or her the way he or she is or break up and find a partner who already has those qualities that you’re seeking. Don’t deviate from your desire just because you think you might be able to mold somebody to conform to it. Trust me, you won’t!
About the author: Marla Martenson is a matchmaker, wellness coach, speaker and the author of two relationship advice books. Excuse Me, Your Soul Mate Is Waiting and Good Date, Bad Date and a memoir, Diary of a Beverly Hills Matchmaker. She has appeared countless radio and TV shows including the Today Show, WGN Chicago Morning News, San Diego Living, Urban Rush and Better TV. When not busy matchmaking or writing she can be found sipping vanilla soy lattes, getting injected with BOTOX® and trying to get her husband to put the toilet seat down. Visit Marla at www.marlamartenson.com and www.cupidforhire.com