When we think about love, our soul mate, settling down and getting married, and so on, we often go back to our childhood thoughts on this subject. These thoughts condition how we think, and what we expect our relationships to look like.
Many women think they should be in a relationship, not because they really want one or are ready for one, but because it’s just the right thing to do. The pressure to be in a relationship is so automatic at times that we don’t even think about it. Do you ever notice that when you are single, friends and family are always asking you, “Are you seeing anyone?” or “How’s your love life?” If you say you’re not seeing anyone, they all want to fix you up. Your friends all think that you are such a catch, so how can you be single? On the other hand, if you are in a lousy relationship, they want to know, “Why are you with that loser?” The quest to find Mr. or Ms. Right has become so popular—just look at how many online dating sites, matchmaking services, books and talk radio shows there are on the subject. Everywhere you look, there is some reference to finding the love of your life.
Unfortunately, when you jump from guy to guy without analyzing why you want to be in a relationship, what your needs are, and where your self esteem falls in the range between lower than an ant or as high as the sky, you will tend to fall right back with the same ole’ same ole’… Different guy, in the same pair of pants!
I suggest that you take stock and decide why you want a relationship right now. Do any of these reasons ring true?
- I am lonely.
- All of my friends are in a relationship.
- I can’t afford to go to nice restaurants unless a man invites me.
- I feel like a loser without a man in my life.
- My mother keeps asking me when I’m going to get married.
- My biological clock is ticking.
- I want to get over my divorce or last relationship.
- I want a man to support me so that I don’t have to work anymore.
- I want to get even with someone or make someone jealous.
Many times people just jump right into a relationship or stay in one with the wrong person because they feel that it’s better than being alone. Jenny, a twice-divorced mother of two, has a good job and wonderfully supportive girlfriends, but she repeatedly gets into relationships that are not good for her. She is currently in a relationship with a man who beats her and puts her down because “it’s better than being alone.”
Watching the news lately, I see story after story about someone (usually a woman) who is missing or found dead, killed by an ex-lover or spouse. Even if we are lonely, the people we choose to let into our lives need to be chosen carefully.
That’s why I am inviting you to really look at whether or not you are ready for a relationship right now. Maybe you just got out of a bad relationship, or you’re recently divorced, or had a death in the family and need to heal. There is nothing wrong with being alone and working on yourself to make sure that you are a complete, whole, and healthy person who is ready to give your all with the right person. I’ve always liked the saying, “I’d rather be healthy and alone than sick with someone else.”
If you agree with any of these statements, you want to be in a relationship for the right reasons. For example:
- I love my life, and I want to share my happiness with someone.
- I feel totally ready to find my soul mate and start a family.
- I have so much to give to the right person.
I want you to know that you are a perfect creation on this planet and have a right to be here. You have a right to love, abundance, happiness, success, peace and more. You are worthy of living happily ever after with your soul mate just like in the fairy tales, and that will happen when you are happy right where you are. When you enjoy your own company and feel that you are the catch that all of your friends keep telling you that you are, well, you will be so darn charismatic that nothing can stop your soul mate from connecting with you. And when you come from that powerful place of loving yourself and loving your life, you get to ask yourself, am I attracting the person I really want, or is it the same guy in a different pair of pants?
About the author: Marla Martenson is a matchmaker, wellness coach, speaker and the author of two relationship advice books. Excuse Me, Your Soul Mate Is Waiting and Good Date, Bad Date and a memoir, Diary of a Beverly Hills Matchmaker. She has appeared countless radio and TV shows including the Today Show, WGN Chicago Morning News, San Diego Living, Urban Rush and Better TV. When not busy matchmaking or writing she can be found sipping vanilla soy lattes, getting injected with BOTOX® and trying to get her husband to put the toilet seat down. Visit Marla at www.marlamartenson.com and www.cupidforhire.com