Between Brat and Perfect

Predictably, we decide to do things differently from our parents, and yet our kids still have issues. How can that be fair? Shouldn’t there be some evolution, some ability to transcend all the mess? The problems just keep changing. It’s like walking into my home and every time there’s a new floor plan.

The Great Depression affected my parent’s generation—the buck-up-and-get-over-it generation. Today, kids own too much and feel entitled. I’m in the middle in the here-you-go-this-will-make-you-happy generation. The one thing that does not seem to change is polarity. Parents are either too strict or too lenient. Gray areas seem to be confusing for just about everyone. Some kids grow up just fine despite the polarity, others do not, which makes parenting a wing-it sort of job.

In case what I have to say here will benefit someone, I’m going to say it. There are ways to lay down firm boundaries while still honoring a child’s feelings. When my oldest daughter, Bella, was 3 years old, she was sitting in the front of a K-Mart shopping cart when her chewed-up gumball fell out of her mouth. She gripped the red cart handle, her short strawberry blonde pigtails sprouting out of her head like sprinklers. We were checking out and she asked for another gumball. I decided that she had consumed enough sugar for one day, and so I said: “No. You’ve had enough.” What was I thinking? But, once you say “No” you have to stick with it. In some cases, I learned why it’s better to say “Let me think about it for a minute.” But if the answer is “No,” a fight is almost inevitable.

I did not, however, expect the raging maniac who tried to bite my arms and claw my eyes out. She was screaming at such a high pitch that shoppers five cash registers away held their ears and winced. One man came over and yelled, “Well, aren’t cha gonna hit her?”

“No,” I shouted back (only to be heard). “Hitting is violent.” I could hear him thinking Pansy. That kid’s a nasty spoiled brat! I looked at Bella, whose face was red and her eyes were bulging. Cute kid, I thought. Perhaps I should call an exorcist.

When I got out to the car, calmly but sternly, I informed Bella, there was going to be a big consequence.  She continued her attempt at murder as I buckled her into the car seat. As I drove, I contemplated my options. Shear her head? Na. Tie her to the bed? Na. When we got home I told her that her goldfish, Stinky Socks, would need to be removed from her room for 24 hours and live in the kitchen. You would have thought I flushed the dang thing the way she screamed. And, yes, my funny little three year old had named her goldfish Stinky Socks.

When she calmed down a couple of hours later (she’s tenacious), I asked her if maybe she had been very angry about losing her gumball and not getting it back. She nodded. I asked her if she hated shopping. She nodded. I told her I understood those big feelings, but that sometimes Mommys understood things that kids didn’t—about sugar and bed times and dangerous situations. I told her that things weren’t always going to go her way, and that screaming would only make things worse. I explained that her behavior had been inappropriate, that the shoppers were trying to buy things and her screams hurt their ears, and that it hurt my feelings that she tried to hurt me. She listened and sighed and then asked if maybe Stinky Socks couldn’t sleep in her room that night after all. No, I told her. She had to live with her consequence.

This was the first of Bella’s four public tantrums. She continued to be strong willed, but thankfully her explosions became less frequent and intense and were confined to the home. Each time, I gave her a consequence while also addressing her feelings. It makes me so sad that people think kids are being evil or naughty when often they are more perceptive than we are. I have seen people squeeze their kid’s arms forcefully or pinch. I pinched Bella once when she was older and absolutely making me crazy—but physical aggression, no matter the version—only teaches kids that it’s okay to overwhelm someone with aggression.

Kids pick up on tension in the room before we do, and when they act out, we blame the kid and not the situation, when all they are doing is being honest. If they hate what you make for dinner, they’ll tell you. Mistakenly, we snap at them and try to teach them that their choices and feelings are wrong. The result is that the acting out gets weirder, and the kids get farther and farther from their feelings until we have an epidemic of overeaters, bulimics, heavy drinkers, and people who are married to their jobs. If people never learn to feel, they spend a lifetime running from their feelings and staying busy. Feelings are messy, but they always lead us to a deeper experience of life and deeper connections with others. Conscience is created through experience. Guilt is created through control.

We live in a high-strung culture hung up on neatness, cleanliness, and punctuality. All of those things can be positive, but not at the expense of creativity, happiness, and connection. There is a way to teach children to behave without stripping them of their intrinsic spontaneity, honesty, and enthusiasm.

A child acting out is often a barometer of tension in a room, the impending loss of love between two parents, or merely anxiety because this world is an anxious place. The best we can do for them is to provide clear, loving boundaries while honoring their feelings and giving them the benefit of the doubt. To successfully maneuver through today’s intense world of too much of everything requires the bravery and determination to endure difficult but authentic feelings—to BE more and DO less so that those feelings have the space to come up and be cleared. Even if we weren’t given that opportunity when we were little, we can give this gift to our children.

 

 

Tagged as: appropriate consequences, boundaries, compassionate parenting, consequences, healthy boundaries, parenting, temper tantrums